The late diagnosis grief: mourning the mom you thought you should be

You got your ADHD diagnosis at 35, after your child was diagnosed. Suddenly, everything makes sense: the struggles, the shame, the feeling like you were failing at something everyone else found easy. But along with relief comes an unexpected grief you weren't prepared for.

 you're mourning the years of self-blame, the missed opportunities, and the version of motherhood you thought you were supposed to have.

Late diagnosis as a mother brings a unique kind of heartbreak. You're not just processing your own neurodivergence: you're mourning the years of self-blame, the missed opportunities, and the version of motherhood you thought you were supposed to have.

The revelation and the grief:

The diagnosis brings clarity, but it also brings loss. You grieve for the little girl who was called "lazy" instead of getting help. You mourn the teenager who struggled with organization and was told she just needed to "try harder." You feel sadness for the young woman who entered motherhood already carrying shame about her capabilities.

Most painfully, you grieve for the early years of your children's lives when you were so hard on yourself. All those moments you thought you were failing as a mom, you were actually doing your best with an undiagnosed neurological condition.

The "what if" spiral:

Your mind races with what-ifs. What if you'd known earlier? What if you'd had support and strategies instead of shame and criticism? What if you'd been kinder to yourself during those overwhelming early parenting years?

You wonder how different things might have been if you'd understood why certain aspects of motherhood felt so much harder for you than they seemed for other moms. The regret can be overwhelming.

The anger phase:

Anger is a normal part of late diagnosis grief. You're angry at a system that failed to recognize ADHD in girls and women. You're angry at teachers who labeled you as "not trying hard enough." You're angry at the years of therapy that focused on your "anxiety" without addressing the underlying ADHD.

You might feel angry at other moms who seem to navigate motherhood effortlessly, forgetting that they might have their own hidden struggles. You're angry at yourself for not figuring it out sooner, even though you couldn't have known what you didn't know.

The identity shift:

Learning you have ADHD as a mother means reconstructing your entire identity. You have to separate what's "you" from what's "ADHD," while also integrating this new understanding of how your brain works.

You're rewriting the story of your motherhood journey. Those moments of overwhelm weren't character flaws: they were your nervous system responding to overstimulation. Those forgotten appointments weren't signs of not caring, they were executive function challenges.

The guilt about your children:

One of the hardest parts of late diagnosis is worrying about how your undiagnosed ADHD affected your children. You replay moments when you lost your patience, times when you felt overwhelmed and couldn't be fully present, instances when your emotional dysregulation impacted the family dynamic.

The guilt is heavy, but it's important to remember that your children also benefited from your ADHD traits: your creativity, spontaneity, empathy, and ability to think outside the box. You weren't a broken mom; you were an undiagnosed neurodivergent mom doing your best.

The relief and hope:

Alongside the grief comes profound relief. Finally, you have answers. Finally, you understand why certain things were so hard. Finally, you can stop blaming yourself and start working with your brain instead of against it.

This knowledge opens up possibilities. You can develop strategies that actually work for your brain. You can be kinder to yourself. You can model self-acceptance for your children.

Reframing your story:

Your late diagnosis doesn't erase your past struggles, but it reframes them. You weren't a failure: you were an undiagnosed neurodivergent person trying to succeed in systems designed for neurotypical brains.

Every challenge you overcame, every moment you kept going despite feeling overwhelmed, every time you picked yourself up after feeling like you'd failed, these weren't signs of weakness. They were signs of incredible strength and resilience.

Moving forward:

Healing from late diagnosis grief takes time. Be patient with yourself as you process these complex emotions. Consider working with a therapist who understands ADHD in women. Connect with other late-diagnosed moms who understand this unique journey.

Remember: It's never too late to understand yourself better. It's never too late to be kinder to yourself. It's never too late to show your children what self-acceptance looks like.

You are not the mom you thought you should be: you're the mom you actually are. And that mom, with her Ferrari brain and all its complexities, is exactly who your children need.

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