The Silent Struggle - When Talking Becomes Difficult

How often have you thought: 'My partner just doesn't understand me'? You try to explain what you feel, but it seems like you're speaking different languages. I recognize this daily in my practice - and it's more normal than you think.

The 'Nothing' Conversation

"What's wrong?" your partner asks when you're quiet after a long day.

"Nothing," you automatically reply.

But there is something. There's frustration about that forgotten appointment, disappointment because you didn't feel supported during that conversation with your mother-in-law, or simply the need to be heard. Yet you say "nothing" - because you don't know where to start, because you're afraid of another conversation that leads nowhere, or because you feel that explaining won't help anyway.

This recognizable 'nothing' conversation is often the beginning of a communication wall that keeps getting built higher between partners.

Why Do We Miss Each Other in Conversations?

The Ferrari with Bicycle Brakes 

Imagine: your emotions are a Ferrari - powerful, fast, intense. But your words are bicycle brakes - they can't keep up with that speed. This happens especially with people who have ADHD, but actually we all recognize it. You feel so much at once that you don't know where to start explaining.

Your partner only sees the outburst, the silence, or the frustration. But what he or she doesn't see are all the thoughts and feelings swirling through your head like a whirlwind before you can even utter a word.

Different Communication Styles 

One person needs time to organize thoughts, the other wants to talk immediately. One seeks solutions, the other mainly wants to be heard. One withdraws to think, the other interprets that as rejection.

Neither style is wrong - they're just different. But without understanding this, misunderstandings arise that pile up.

What Your Partner Actually Hears

When you say: "You never listen to me!"

Your partner hears: "I always do everything wrong."

When you say: "Why do you always forget our appointments?"

Your partner hears: "I'm not important enough to remember."

When you say: "We never really talk to each other anymore."

Your partner hears: "Our relationship is worthless."

And the reverse is also true. When your partner says: "Can we discuss this later?" You might hear: "Your feelings aren't important."

The Cabinet with Drawers - Emotions We Put Away

Imagine your emotions are a large cabinet with different drawers. In the top drawer are the 'safe' emotions - the ones you can easily show. These include things like mild irritation or happiness.

But in the bottom drawers are the vulnerable emotions: the fear of not being important enough, the pain of not feeling heard, the loneliness when your partner withdraws. We often keep these drawers tightly closed - even from ourselves.

The problem? Your partner only sees the top drawer. He sees your anger about the dishes, but not your fear that you're alone in this. She sees your frustration about the forgotten birthday, but not your pain that you don't feel special.

First Steps Toward Better Understanding

1. Pause Before You React 

   When you notice a conversation going the wrong way, literally take a pause. "I notice we're not understanding each other. Can we stop and start over?"

   
   

2. Name Your Own Emotions 

   Instead of: "You always do..." Try: "I feel..." or "I need..."

   
   

3. Ask Questions Instead of Assuming 

   "Do you mean that...?" or "Help me understand what you're feeling" works better than drawing conclusions about what your partner means.

   
   

4. Acknowledge Good Intentions 

   Even in the heat of the moment, you can say: "I know you mean well, but I feel..."

   
   
   
   

It's Okay to Ask for Help

Communication problems aren't something to be ashamed of. They're a sign that you both care about the relationship, but simply don't know how to reach each other.

Sometimes you need a neutral person who can help translate what you really want to say to each other. A relationship therapist can teach you how to break down that communication wall and build a bridge to each other again.